*Words in this article use Mom, Father, Dad, or Partner, please add in/substitute what may be appropriate for your family.
Becoming a new parent is a stressful time. Understanding a baby’s cues, sleepless nights, and the never ending laundry pile can be overwhelming. Perhaps added to this stress is the lack of help you may feel from your spouse. It may even lead you to wonder, just how much should husband help with baby? Before this turns to resentment, let’s get positive and address why help is needed, when to communicate, and some ideas and tips on how your spouse can get more involved.
- Why Do Moms Need Help?
- How Can You Communicate You Need Help?
- How Can Your Partner Get Involved; 10 Tips For Your Partner
Table of Contents
Why Do Moms Need Help?
We have thankfully seen a shift in caregiving and household tasks being more equally divided between husband and wife, women and men. Yet, women still disproportionately take on more household tasks and childcare than men do. On average, most stay-at-home-moms work 2.5 jobs and an average of 98 hours a week!
Many women feel that because their spouse may “leave” to go to work and they stay at home that they should take on more household tasks. However, parenting is for both. Your partner is a parent too. If you take yourself and baby out of the equation, your partner would still need to have energy for bills, dinner, and laundry. Therefore it doesn’t just magically fall on you. The night feedings and time spent breastfeeding can be shared by both. Let’s take a closer look at why it’s a team effort.
Many stay-at-home women, if they are breastfeeding, need to stop what they are doing every 3 hours, at best, to feed a baby. If you are supplementing, then you need to work out pumping schedules as well as feeding schedules. If a baby is going through a growth spurt that time can be reduced by half. Most babies will need time to be put down for a nap every few hours, while also needing sufficient wake and stimulation periods. That clock doesn’t change or stop at 5 either. That clock is 24/7, weekends, and holidays. We haven’t even gotten into laundry schedules, home maintenance, or meal planning, shopping or prepping. What about relaxation time, exercising, and showering?
If you are a working Mom a lot of the household work still seems to fall on you, while also bringing in a paycheck. Stepping away to pump at work, adding in drop-off and pickup and overall costs from daycare, plus the list above shows there just aren’t enough hours in the day.
This picture I painted should be helping you as a Mother know just how much you are doing, and how much help from a partner is indeed needed.
If you feel your resentment building, try our article on 8 Tips to Tackle Postpartum Resentment.
What Are the Benefits of Fathers/Partners Helping With Childcare?
You don’t have to search very far on Google to find scientific studies that show the benefit of fathers, spouses, and partners and the monumental impact they have on children.
In numerous studies, positive father involvement is associated with:
- Children’s higher academic achievement
- Greater school readiness
- Stronger math and verbal skills
- Greater emotional security
- Higher self-esteem
- Fewer behavioral problems
- Greater social competence than found among children who do not have caring, involved fathers.
That’s a lot of positives! Having both spouses or partners for children and babies is a huge help. Having them be involved is key and communication is everything.
How Can You Communicate That You Need Help?
If you are feeling burnt out, depressed, and like you cannot do more, then a discussion is in order so that you can both look at splitting up tasks (check out our article on Depleted Mother Syndrome). People cannot read minds. I know, shocking! Maybe it feels like our significant others can on occasion, but really we’re all human and if we need help, we need to ask for it.
When you need to discuss something, make sure the time is right. Avoid the conversation when either one of you is beyond tired, hungry, or angry. Setting the tone positively and not pointing fingers can go a long way. Using language like “I feel…” or “How do you think we can both tackle this problem…” helps so that you both begin to problem solve without accusatory statements.
Perhaps you need to prepare before a discussion by quantifying what an average day looks like. Whether you are a stay-at-home parent or working. What you do in a day and how long it takes you. Show hour by hour how long breastfeeding actually takes. Share the running to-do list you have.
Often many spouses are willing to help, they just don’t know where to begin or feel micromanaged. Delegate tasks and assume positive intent. They can do things their way and in fact, it is good for baby, as it lets them be more adaptable in life. If you feel like you can’t keep comments to yourself, then use that time to go to Target or go on a walk. Compliments go a long way in letting your partner know you do appreciate them.
Constantly communicating and finding solutions together will ensure that tasks are getting done, or prioritized, and not everything is falling to one person. Tasks need to be shared by all those who are in the household.
How Can Your Partner Get Involved? 10 Tips to Get Involved
If your partner is needing ideas on getting involved or you are wondering what you can delegate, I hope that this section will be tangible enough to help you both out. Or at least get your wheels turning on what could work in your situation!
Get Involved As Early As Possible
Pregnancy isn’t just a time all about Mom and Baby, though it feels like it. It can be a great time for Dad’s or Partners to begin their journey as well. There are plenty of books, videos, and classes available to help you learn. Check out this longer video for example:
Practice changing, bathing, swaddling, and rocking a toy to be prepared for when baby does come. Set up the nursery or be in charge of the registry. Download your own pregnancy app to track how much baby is growing.
If you already have a baby, it is never too late to pick up parenting books or research milestones that may be around the corner. Follow children psychologists on social media or nutritionists, to help plan meals or know what is safe for babies.
Let’s also never underestimate the value of simply spending time with your child. There is always something to learn about being a parent, and it is never too late to be involved.
Encourage Dad & Baby Alone Time
Not only is it important for Mom to have a break to reset, it is just as important for Dad to have alone time with baby. If he feels like he is constantly looking over his shoulder for you or worried you’ll correct everything, it will not be an enjoyable time for anyone. Trust them as much as you can (I know hormones can wreak havoc on your emotions right now Mama).
Let Dad learn to trust his instincts, how he communicates with baby, and what baby’s cues are. You both are new to parenting, and while Mom’s seem like they know everything, we really just problem solve until we maybe kinda get it–which means, Dads can too. This one on one time is also important to cultivate while young so they can continue to do it as your child gets older.
Diaper Changes
Most babies need at least ten diapers changed per day. This is ample time for Dad or Partner to step in. It’s not glorious work, but it is important and a great time to bond with baby. Spending a few extra moments cooing at baby, chatting with them, or singing can go a long way. Or in our case, sharing a needed laugh when my husband would occasionally get peed on.
Cuddle Time
Think of all the times that you cuddle or comfort your little one in a day. It’s important that your Partner gets a chance to do that as well. The way they comfort or cuddle may be different from the way you do, and that is OK. Maybe it’s baby wearing or holding baby while he’s watching a sports game. Perhaps it’s rocking in a chair with baby when he gets home from work to decompress. Or maybe it’s skin to skin in the dark of the night to soothe them. Regardless, let Dad come up with his way of connecting and cuddling.
Getting Outside
The fresh air is great for your little one, and it’s great for parents! Whether it’s both of you or just your spouse that takes the baby, getting outside will help baby with sleep, getting vitamin D, and developing. It is a good chance for Dads to practice getting baby in and out of the car seat, packing snacks, and bundling baby up if need be. And if Mom stays home, then it’s a win win so she can take a shower, or just rest to gear up for a night shift.
Tummy time
Tummy time is an important time for babies. It can help to strengthen your baby’s neck, shoulders, and even back. Sometimes though, babies don’t always love doing it and it can be hard to hear those little cries. Tummy time was one of my husband’s favorite times and I’m pretty sure it contributed to our son rolling over, since he would do it with him. He would lie on the floor next to him or play with toys. It doesn’t have to be for long, but it’s a moment when they are awake to connect.
Bath Time
All babies need baths, and this is a great one that you can delegate or do together with hubby taking the lead. Plus, no phones should be out while there’s water around, so it’s concentrated focus and attention time. Bath time doesn’t just involve water, it’s the lotioning, diapering, and clothing too that needs to happen after. Which gives lots of time for attention. Or if your child is like ours and hates getting cold, it can become a great race to see how fast Dad could change baby without tears happening and lead to cuddling or book reading afterwards.
Restocking or Cleaning
There is never a shortage of things needing to be restocked or cleaned with a baby around. He could restock diapers and wipes at changing stations or diaper bags. If you have a nursing area, check if snacks or water need restocking. If you are pumping, your partner can help clean bottles or pumping parts. Cleaning up the kitchen, taking out the garbage, starting a load or finishing a load of laundry–all can be done while listening to podcasts, football games, or music–and is one less thing for you to do.
Meal Time
If you are exclusively breastfeeding it can be a little more challenging for hubby to help, but that doesn’t mean they can’t refill a water bottle or grab a snack for you.
If you are supplementing or pumping, then you can take turns feeding the baby. You can also begin to create feeding shifts for the night or early mornings.
There are also ways that they can help learn to make dinner; like pulling out ingredients to make it easier to start, or helping to burp baby while you make a start on ordering dinner or begin making it.
Get Help If You Need It
If both of you are feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, then you need to ask for help. Maybe it comes as paying someone to clean your home once a month. Hiring a postpartum doula. Asking family members to step in. Subscribing to a meal delivery service. It is OK to have help. This is something my husband and I still struggle with, but something we wished we would have done better during those early months. It is OK to let people serve you, and honestly people want to help.
Final Thoughts
Being a new parent is really hard. It’s hard to balance and juggle a new human being, and it can be especially difficult if you feel like it’s all on you. Fathers are excellent caregivers and sometimes all they need is a little encouragement and communication. Both parents are needed and key players in the developing life of baby. There are many things that you can do together to find solutions for your family. Communicating your needs and gaining strategies as soon as you can will help make sure all voices are heard, especially when the going keeps getting tougher. I hope that this article has been positive and given you ideas on how you can work together to raise your precious little one.
Niki Cowan has a background in Medicine and Public Health. She is a Certified Health Education Specialist as well as a Medical Assistant. She’s passionate about Women’s Health and empowering women in their journeys. She is married to her wonderful husband Kevin, and they have an active son. While trying to have another little one hasn’t worked out yet, she is pursuing her passions and hoping to gain further education and experience in the area she loves, while playing with her son. She’s an avid reader, Original Great British Baking Show watcher, and very amateur kickboxer.
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